Saturday, December 31, 2016

Saying Goodbye to 2016




2016 is a year of major ups, many major downs and many little bumps here and there. I have been meaning to write the last blog entry for 2016 here yet as I'm typing this, I still don't have a conceptual idea of what I am comfortable to share here.

A good friend told me she feels that blogging has always been a part of me and that I might feel better being bold enough to write out my feelings. She is one of the only two persons in my life who completely understands and empathizes with whatever downs I've been going through. Looking at the total number of posts written in 2016 as opposed to all the years past, I realized just how much I've been neglecting this space.

It also dawned on me that:

1. I've always been able to remember events of my life well because writing jolts my memory. I feel upset that I've not been able to document on this space the many events and travels that I hold dear memories to. And when I want to recall those events, I don't have anything to read and look back on.

2. I've learned to be thankful and appreciate all the good things that happen to me because I write them down and seal them on virtual space. I could always have something for me to read back on and smile.

3. I keep my sanity because I express myself here. Even if I don't share 100% of what I feel here, it helps a lot in decluttering my mind and cleansing my heart.

The 3 major ups of 2016 to be thankful for are that hubby and I finally moved into our new home, we have gotten a cat and I donated blood for the first time.

While my in-laws are great people to live with, I have always dreamed of having our own home. The room in my in-laws place was getting a little too cluttered. I feel pent up living in that space. Most of the items in the room are mine and I badly need a new space for me declutter my stuff. Hubby can totally vouch that ever since we moved to our new home, my OCD nature sky rocketed that it is quite abnormal for my usually creative and free-spirited self (also read as untidy) to be like this.

On my sweet little cat Miyo, OMG. I really don't know where to start. Anybody who follows me on Facebook and Instagram would know how Miyo is my everything now. She is the happiest thing that happened to me this year. The Hubz isn't a cat person at all so when he finally allowed me to get a cat in our new home, I was ecstatic. Miyo has also crawled her way into his heart and it is really sweet to see how much he loves her.

I also donated blood for the first time. It may seem like something small to frequent blood donors but it is a significant milestone for me as I've always been under the weight limit to donate blood. This year, I've not only reached the weight limit but was over it by a few kgs to actually donate the bigger pack too. That means I grew fat but I could save more life with those extra weight.

As for the major downs and many little bumps, we could say that it is a year of many many medical bills and a few hefty ones too. (Not gonna share everything here.) I also felt like whatever I embarked on doing would always be met with stumbling blocks.

I was on to a healthy lifestyle. I signed up for membership with a yoga studio and also started going to the office gym with colleagues more often. And then I injured my knee when I tore my ACL in a stupid accident. That really put me in an emo state for quite a while. Why did it have to happen just when I was in the highs of wanting and having a more active and healthy lifestyle?

For many periods in the year and last, I was also on certain medications which made me put on weight. Coupled with the lack of exercise, I grew the fattest I ever did in my life. I could not fit into many of my usual tailored work dresses and even burst the seams of 2 of them. I look significantly fatter than my usual in photos that friends who have not seen me for a while would ask if I'm expecting. Even relatives who did not see me for a long time asked me the same questions. They are just harmless words but deep down inside, my heart was bleeding even as I was smiling on the outside and making fat jokes and pregnancy jokes about myself.

I was feeling down in the dumps most of the times and I lost my usual mental capability while at it. It affected the way I functioned and even the way I interacted with people. I am just not that much the person I am. I'm not the good wife, I'm not the good friend. I'm not the good daughter. I'm not the good worker. I'm just not good. I am out of sorts. I lack initiative. I feel really lousy most of the times. I'm also easily upset by minor things and little actions by people.

For some periods of time this year whenever people talk about future events, I would be indifferent because in my mind I would be thinking that I would no longer be in this world.

It is a strange thought really. I don't know how to explain and no normal person would understand this. I don't think about dying. I'm not suicidal. I just feel like I would be dissipating slowly and no longer in existence so there is no part for me to play in future events.

"It's the hormones! It's not you. You are not like this." the same good friend I mentioned in this post assured me. I really wished I could blame everything on the hormones. But I know that I have to control my mind too. Coz you know, the mind is a powerful tool.

I read up a lot on the feelings and symptoms I've been experiencing and they all pointed to depression. Depression? ME???

Hey why not? If you read up on depression, you would discover just how easy it is to be diagnosed as depressed in this modern world.

I watched TED videos and read up on how to cope with depression. It also felt good to know that there are smiley people out there who are also battling depression. You wouldn't have known it if they hadn't shared about it. Being in connection with similar people really helped a lot. However there are times when things I practise would only work for a while and when they no longer work, I allow myself a period of wallowing before I pick myself up again and act normal again. Sometimes the masks keep piling up each time it is time to go onto the stage that I have to keep acting and smiling and entertaining for long periods until the curtains fall and then I peel off the many layers of masks and cry a river.

Just like now...

which kinda makes me feel better.

Friends, random people and little serendipity in life always help to rein me in a little too.

For 2017, I will:

Try very hard to keep my mind in check and let go of what I can't control.

Undergo deep healing of the mind, body and soul.

Cut myself some slack on the many expectations I put upon myself.

Practise yoga and exercise regularly.

Blog more often even if it means documenting events I hold dear to from a few years back just so that I have something to read back on and smile.

Count my blessings.

Fill my heart with love and positivism.

Release things that cause negative attachment.

Let go of poisonous past and live the abundantly beautiful present!

11 comments:

  1. Jo, I love reading your honest and open thoughts... when I first started blogging I was extremely opened... sometimes I re-read those entries and cry because they bring back all the emotions I was dealing with then... I do see how far I have come. I too deal with depression, there is nothing wrong with reaching out and asking for help, I find talking with someone really helps. Thankfully there is less stigma in asking for help...I know all about being injured and wondering why it had to happen when I had worked so hard to get healthy, I had to accept it and now I will work on getting back to being healthy this year. I hope next year is wonderful and that you have lots of love and joy xox

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  2. Happy New Year to you, Jo! Glad you're able to find highlights to look back on even with the injuries of the past year. Glad you guys have your own place--that's very nice. I love having my own little home with Angel--we love our parents, but having space is nice! :)

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  3. This was a beautiful post my dear...very real and beautiful. Am glad you were able to find a light in the feelings of depression. It's not always easy, but you can do it. I could identify with a lot of your points. I wish you a wonderful 2017 :) x

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  4. What a lovely reflection back on your 2016 Jo! I'm glad to hear that you were able to find the rainbows amongst the rain which you experienced. Depression can't be very hard to lift oneself out from but good on you for recognizing it and making an effort to help yourself and I hope you can continue to keep feeling better. Happy new year to you and your family! May 2017 bring you much happiness, good health and many new and fun adventures! xo

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  5. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I know it isn't always easy to put our thoughts out there. I am glad you have some important things to be happy for from 2016. I am so sorry that you had to deal with comments about your weight that made you feel unhappy because I know that is hard. People often say things without thinking of the effects their words will have.

    I hope that 2017 is a great year for you and that you will be healthy, happy, and have lots of laughs. :)
    ~Jess

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  6. Happy 2017!!! 2016 was a rotten year! But now it's over and you can get back to being you. A person can't be supportive to others when they're worn down by health problems. So please do put less pressure on yourself (I know that is hard) and put yourself first for healing. My mom struggled with this for a time and also didn't see herself in the future. I remember asking her when I was little if she would go to my high school graduation. She said she would be dead before then...not suicidal, but depressed and not able to see herself in the future.
    About the donating blood, being able to donate doesn't mean you're fat. It means you're at the right weight and not too thin...and probably more alluring than ever!
    Congratulations about the house. That is wonderful news. I think a new house is like a new car. At first we're so careful and want to baby them. But after we get used to them it's easier to have a little mess. :)

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  7. i started writing a digital diary to keep my thoughts organized. writing is too slow sometimes after a tiring work day and blogging takes too long so i just type it up quickly. it has helped a lot, especially when i was looking for a specific date in reference to an event. maybe do that instead.

    I dont know how to properly comment on your sometims upset feelings. i have a friend who has his own upset feelings and it's difficult for me to manage. not like what you said. more..difficult. i try. my other friend once said, 'it's easy to be diagnosed with a psychological disorder but not easy to be diagnosed free from them.'

    take care. also that neighbour who disappeared, when i told you on facebook. still not back. the home is just empty with no movement for like 7 months. i think they're gone.

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  8. Hi Jo! I love reading this post because you are so open and honest (my favourite thing about you). I'm so sorry to hear that you are depressed. It's actually hard to imagine, you seem like the most happy and content person I've known (well virtually). Also, is it really because of the weight gain? I guess for someone like me who's been overweight pretty much my life, can't understand that. You are so petite, it's really hard to understand someone who is so much skinnier than me get upset about your weight. Hope I'm not offending you. And I love everything you're going to work on in 2017. I'm working on those too! All the best and keep blogging.

    Will always support you,
    Jo
    http://www.whiterosesandcoffee.com/

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  9. Sorry, I forgot to proofread before publishing. Hopefully you understand my feelings.

    Love you,
    Jo

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  10. Hello Jo! Firstly, congratulations on becoming a fur momma! Miyo is SO adorable and looks SO fluffy but lets be real, I can feel her princess vibes oozing out of my screen. So tell me, is she a princess?

    Secondly, congratulations on your own home! That must be such a huge milestone, to have a place to call your own and also just as sweet of your hubby to give in about getting a kitty. No regrets right? ;)

    Thank you for being so honest in your blog, I really appreciate it when you go out of your way to express yourself even when it makes you feel vulnerable. I agree with your friend that this is not you but rather just a temporary state. Look at you, already walking on the path ahead. And just remember there are ups and downs, so when you're down let yourself be, like you said cut yourself some slack. Just don't forget to put your chin up afterwards :)

    I really wish you only the very best for this year (I know it's February already and I also mean all the years ahead of you!). Cheaper medical bills or none at all would be best *crying laughing tear enjoy here* and that you enjoy each moment of bliss coming your way.

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